Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
