the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
