just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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