Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
