we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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