I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
