tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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