so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
