I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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