wakey wakey hands off snakey
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
