6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
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