I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
