HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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