where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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