New low: just hacked my moms facebook
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
How's work?
Spinning.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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