People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
