I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
