So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
