It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
