How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
