Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
