I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Randomize
