you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
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Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
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Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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