I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
