Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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