I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
