so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Randomize
