As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
