I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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