I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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