Heybabeimwearingurpanties
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
