last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
