im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
This is my gift to your gina
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
pray to the hookup gods
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
