If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
