Got a toothbrush?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You can't just leave with hair like that
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
