She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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