I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
