Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
