Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Help. Why am I so naked?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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