this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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