Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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