i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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