We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
