he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
