Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
being pregnant is like rehab
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
