That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
