Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
