Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
there is glitter all over my balls
I know her cup size but not her name....
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
