is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
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