Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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