thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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