im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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