I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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